I pounded on a farmhouse looking for a place to stay.
I was mighty, mighty tired. I had come a long, long way.
I said, "Hey, hey, in there, is there anybody home?"
I was standing on the steps feeling most alone
When out comes a farmer – he musta thought that I was nuts.
He immediately looked at me and stuck a gun into my guts.
I fell down to my bended knees,
Saying, "I dig farmers. Don't shoot me please!"
He cocked his rifle and began to shout,
"Are you that traveling salesman that I have heard about?"
I said, "No, no, no! I'm a doctor and it's true.
I'm a clean-cut kid and I been to college, too."
Then in comes his daughter, whose name was Rita.
She looked like she stepped out of The Dolce Vita.
I immediately tried to cool it with her dad
And told him what a nice, pretty farm he had.
He said, "What do doctors know about farms, pray tell?"
I said, "I was born at the bottom of a wishing well."
Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails I guess he knew I wouldn't lie.
He said, "I guess you're tired." He said it kinda sly.
I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles today I drove."
He said, "I got a bed for you underneath the stove.
Just one condition, you can go to sleep right now:
That you don't touch my daughter and in the morning milk the cows."
I was sleeping like a rat when I heard something jerking.
There stood Rita, looking just like Tony Perkins.
She said, "Would you like to take a shower? I'll show you up to the door."
I said, "Oh, no, no! I've been through this movie before!"
I knew I had to split, but I did not know how
When she said, "Would you like to take that shower now?"
Well, I couldn't leave unless the old man chased me out
'Cause I'd already promised that I'd milk his cows.
I had to say something to strike him very weird
So I yelled, "I like Fidel Castro and his beard!"
Rita looked offended, but she got out of the way
As he came charging down the stairs, saying, "What's that I heard you say?"
I said, "I like Fidel Castro. I think you heard me right."
And I ducked as he swung at me with all his might.
Rita mumbled something 'bout her mother on the hill.
As his fist, it hit the icebox, he said he's gonna kill
Me if I don't get out the door in two seconds flat,
"You unpatriotic, rotten doctor, Commie rat!"
Well, he threw a Reader's Digest at my head and I did run.
I did a somersault as I seen him get his gun
And crashed through the window at a hundred miles an hour
And landed fully blast in his garden flowers.
Rita said "Come back!" and he started to load.
The sun was coming up and I was running down the road.
Well, I don't figure I'll be back there for a spell
Even though Rita moved away and got a job at a motel.
He still waits for me, constant on the sly.
He wants to turn me in to the F.B.I.
Me, I romp and stomp, thankful as I romp.
Without freedom of speech, I might be in the swamp.