Well, I took me a woman late last night.
I was three-fourths drunk, she looked alright –
Till she started peeling off her onion gook.
She took off her wig, said, "How do I look?"
I's high-flying, bare-naked, out the window!
Well, sometimes I might get drunk,
Walk like a duck, and smell like a skunk.
Don't hurt me none, it don't hurt my pride
'Cause I got my little lady right by my side.
She's trying to hide, pretending she don't know me!
I's out there painting on the old woodshed
When a can of black paint did fell on my head.
I went down to scrub and rub,
But I had to sit in back of the tub.
Cost a quarter, half-price.
Well, my telephone rang, it would not stop.
It's President Kennedy calling me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg, Sophia Loren.
Country'll grow."
Well, I got a woman five feet short,
She yells and hollers and screams and snorts.
She tickles my nose, pats me on the head,
Rolls me over, and kicks me out of bed.
She's a man-eater, meat-grinder, bad loser.
Oh, there ain't no use in me working all the time:
I got a woman who works herself blind.
Works up to her britches, up to her neck,
Writes me letters, and sends me checks.
She's a humdinger, folksinger.
Late one day in the middle of the week,
My eyes were closed, I was half asleep.
I chased me a woman up the hill
Right in the middle of an air-raid drill.
I jumped a fallout shelter! I jumped a string bean! I jumped a TV dinner! I jumped a shotgun!
Now, the man on the stand, he wants my vote,
He's running for office on the ballot note.
He's out there preaching in front of the steeple,
Telling me he loves all kinds of people.
He's eating bagels. He's eating pizza. He's eating chitlins.
Oh, set me down on a television floor,
I'll flip the channel to number four.
Out of the shower comes a football man
With a bottle of oil in his hand,
Greasy kid stuff. What I want to know, Mr. Football Man, is what do you do about Willy Mays? Martin Luther King? Olatunji?
Well, the funniest woman I ever seen
Was the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean.
She takes about fifteen baths a day,
Wants me to grow a mustache on my face.
She's insane!
Well, ask me why I'm drunk all the time –
Levels my head and eases my mind.
I just walk along and stroll and sing,
I see better days and I do better things.
I catch dinosaurs! Make love to Elizabeth Taylor! Catch hell from Richard Burton!